Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Yes, this is what defeat looks like.

When the first piece of mail arrived just before my 50th Bday 3 years ago from AARP, I didn’t give a second thought to throwing it in the garbage. Surely they had made some sort of mistake because thanks to my tri-monthly bottle of Loreal, my hair had been nowhere NEAR gray enough to get this kind of mail not to mention, how did they know I was about to turn 50? Hmmmm ... But I guess the spies from AARP saw me do this and before I knew it, there was correspondence arriving first monthly, then weekly and even started appearing in my email inbox!

Angry, I decide to go to the site to see what they had to offer. I scanned a few pages but still didn't see anything that applied TO ME nor that impressed me, other than a free tote bag for enrolling with the letters AARP emblazoned on the front to carry proudly and tell the world "Yes! I am 50 or older and I want my senior discount!".

Well later on, I decided to get back online to surf the usual stuff that a YOUNG woman of 50 surfs; skin care, exercises for back pain, The Mayo Clinic ... (???) and I noticed everywhere I went online was displaying a Google Ad for AARP. Okay, now I’m really getting pissed. NOW they have taken over my web browsing! I had to clear my browsing history, cookies and temporary files to get rid of the AARP ads being displayed wherever I went online. By now, I’m so upset I can hardly contain myself. AT THIS POINT, I WOULD NOT HAVE JOINED AARP EVEN IF GOD HIMSELF HAD TOLD ME TOO.”

It's bad enough that I can SEE myself aging. The wrinkles, the drooping, the aches and pains ... and as a self diagnosed manifestationchondriac (this is different than a hypochondriac in that I don’t always think I’m sick but if someone told me I looked like I had cancer, I’d have it by the end of the day) I dunno ... I suppose I was worried that once I opened an envelope from AARP that I might become one of them. Sort of like those pods under the bed in The Invasion of the Body Snatchers.

Perhaps they could have started with making turning 50 a little more ... fun? Like offering free birthday cards for your FRIENDS who are over 50; they could say, “You’re really OLD!” and then when you open it up, it would say, “I’m still not there yet but YOU certainly are ... in a big ass way! Consider joining AARP!” (haha!) OR they could have offered membership cards with our names pre-printed on them but give us the option of uploading a Glamour Shot of ourselves for the card that would read, “This is what old looks like on me, bitches!”

But no. Nothing that amusing. So after 3 years of harassment BUT finding I can get $1.20 off at Pizza Inn ... a monthly news letter, the AARP magazine AND the coveted tote bag, I finally gave in. At (soon to be) 53, I am official ...




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